Now I Find Them (Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum) Simply Irreplaceable

The injury bug is beginning to make its presence felt in Major League Baseball. In May the game's best clutch hitter in Los Angeles' Andre Ethier broke his pinkie. Before the injury he was hitting .392, and since he's hit a lowly .235. For awhile the bug went away, but this weekend it came back with a vengeance, and it took all of its pent-up anger out on the Boston Red Sox. Clay Buchholz will miss his next scheduled start with a strained left hamstring. Victor Martinez broke his thumb Sunday and was placed on the 15-day disabled list (hey, at least his bone wasn't sticking out of the thumb, unlike yours truly). But the biggest blow came Friday, when Dustin Pedroia hit a foul ball off his foot, breaking it. He'll miss six weeks. He is the one player the Sox cannot afford to lose right now, what with Boston being in a heated three-way battle for first place in the AL East. The Red Sox lost their most valuable player, so who can the other 29 teams ill afford to lose? I went team-by-team and picked one player from each whom I deem worthy of being given the title of "Simply Irreplaceable", my crappy spin of Robert Palmer's awesome '80s song. They may not be the most talented player, but they are most certainly the heart-and-soul. That being said, I was cautious to choose a pitcher, because they can only make an impact once every five games, and relievers typically are average at best. On to the results!

Arizona: Brandon Webb -- He became a star two years ago, winning the NL Cy Young and leading the D'Backs to an 82-80 record. Then he got hurt Opening Day last year and hasn't pitched since. The Diamondbacks are at the bottom of the NL West without their ace, and all of their players are strikingly similar stats-wise, to the point that none are bad, but none stand out as irreplaceable. No one, however, has stepped up and taken the place of Webb as team ace, and the results have been poor.

Atlanta: Martin Prado -- Second basemen are not supposed to hit for power. Chase Utley and Dan Uggla were seemingly the exceptions to this, but now Prado has joined his NL East compadres. He is the complete package. He is on his way to a 20-HR season, leads the Braves with a .331 average and 54 runs scored, and is among the league leaders in fielding. With Chipper Jones on the decline, Nate McLouth being an incredible disappointment, and only two teammates hitting above .300, Prado has been a key contributor in the fact that Atlanta is in first place.

Baltimore: Nick Markakis -- No one on this team is valuable or irreplaceable. Every year I jokingly pick one team to be relegated to the minor leagues. It was the Royals from 2004-07, the Nationals in 2008, and the Pirates last year. This year it is the Orioles' turn. They are well on their way to 100 losses, and could hit 110 if they tried hard enough. I chose Markakis because he is the only one that would start no matter what team he played for. His is hitting .306, but he is incredibly patient at the plate, with 44 walks drawn. This ability to get on base, so the Orioles can actually score runs and give themselves a lead before the bullpen blows it, gives Markakis this prestigious honor.

Boston: Dustin Pedroia -- He isn't the most talented player. But the 2008 AL MVP is the epitome of hard work. Saying he's "Tough as nails" doesn't do him justice. He's listed as 5'9", is more like 5'7, but plays like a giant. Before his injury he was starting to heat up, with a .374 average in June. His hustle and passion is impossible to ignore, and his teammates feed off it. Defensively, there are few better in the game at second base. There will be a huge hole missing for the next six weeks. ESPN's Buster Olney considered him one of the 15 most valuable players in all of baseball.

(NOTE: If you have ESPN Insider you can see all of his most valuable players here, or you can see 30 of them here for free. Unless you really want to send me money, which I would not at all be opposed to.)

Chicago (NL): Ryan Theriot -- For a shortstop, his .283 average is pretty good. He is above average defensively, doesn't have the lethargy of Alfonso Soriano, and can steal bases. According to fangraphs.com, he was worth over $10 million between 2008 and 2009. He made $5.2 million. He may not hit for power, but power is never expected out of a shortstop. He's not the most well-known Cub, but he's a huge part of the team.

Chicago (AL): Carlos Quentin -- In 2008 the ChiSox were in contention in the AL Central, and Quentin was among the AL MVP candidates with 36 homers and 100 RBI. Then he got hurt and missed all of September, as the White Sox quietly went down in the ALDS. He missed most of last year and the team finished with a losing record. This year he started incredibly slowly. On June 13 he was hitting .201 with 7 HRs. The team was 28-34. Then they went on to win 11 in a row before losing twice, and it is no coincidence that Quentin raised his average to .233 and hit 6 more homers. His presence in the lineup means more runs for Ozzie Guillen's crew.

Cincinnati: Brandon Phillips -- This is a very balanced group. Five of eight starters (minus pitcher) hit at least .279, and seven players have at least 59 hits. Ultimately I had to choose one, though, and I chose Brandon Phillips. I figured no one expected Scott Rolen to have the season he's having (.301, 17 HR, 53 RBI), and Joey Votto is not as valuable as Phillips. A Gold Glove second baseman, Phillips can do it offensively and defensively. He has hit 30 home runs in a season, is walking more and striking out less, and can steal bases. The Reds are competing for the division title this year, and it starts at the top with their newfound leadoff man, Phillips.

Cleveland: Shin-Soo Choo -- Leads an awful Indians squad in average, hits, home runs, runs batted in, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, and runs scored. I don't want to know how horrific the team would be without him.

Colorado: Ubaldo Jimenez -- The 26-year-old is 14-1 and has a 1.83 earned run average. The season isn't even halfway done, and he is already at 14 wins. Are you kidding me? He threw a no-hitter, and in his last start had another one going for six innings. He is easily the favorite to win the NL Cy Young right now. And all of this for just $1.25 million. I think I see a raise in his future.

Detroit: Miguel Cabrera -- He leads the team (by a wide margin, mind you) in average (.335), homers (20), RBI (66), on-base percentage (.412), hits (93), and runs scored (56). He's my AL MVP for the first half of the year. He brings the offense from a mediocre one to a somewhat above-average one. Justin Verlander was a close second, but again, the whole pitcher thing.

Florida: Josh Johnson -- He is 8-3 with an ERA of 1.83 and a walks and hits per inning pitched (WHIP) of 0.93. His streak of eight starts without allowing more than one earned run was snapped in his last start, a streak that has been seen eight times since 1900. Folks, that is more rare than a perfect game. It hasn't been seen since Bob Gibson had a streak of 11 straight starts in 1968, when his ERA was 1.12. How this kid isn't getting more attention is beyond me. I think he's a better pitcher than Ubaldo Jimenez, but Jimenez has 14 wins to Johnson's 8, so he's the Cy Young winner as of right now.

Houston: Roy Oswalt -- Again, this team has no players that are superstars. Lance Berkman is way past his prime, Carlos Lee is having a bad year (.238 average), and the only position player I considered, Michael Bourn, has a strikeout-to-walk ratio of 58:30. Not good for a leadoff hitter. And I can state with absolute certainty that Oswalt is the best 5-10 pitcher in baseball. He record is not representative of how he has pitched. He has an ERA of 3.55, which is up from what it was a month ago. His WHIP is 1.13, and he's struck out 97 batters while walking only 29. The Astros have the worst offense in baseball, which makes their pitching staff look a lot worse than it actually is.

Kansas City: Billy Butler -- Zack Greinke is the most talented and most recognizable Royal. However, when he won the Cy Young last year, the Royals finished in last place at 65-97. This year he is 3-8, and KC is on pace for about 88 losses, so him being electric is fairly insignificant. Butler, however, is the fuel that gets this offense going. He is the only 30 HR, 100 RBI threat. If he doesn't hit, then the Royals have a ton more trouble scoring runs.

Los Angeles of Anaheim: Torii Hunter -- Complete player. Great fielder. Good power and average. Leads the team in average, RBIs, and extra base hits. Will occasionally steal a base here and there. He mans the outfield, he has the experience and the leadership to get the Angels yet another division title.

Los Angeles: Andre Ethier -- Before his injury he was hitting .380 with 11 homers and 38 runs batted in, all among the league leaders. His ability to hit in the clutch is something we haven't seen since David Ortiz in 2004. In his five seasons he has eleven walk-off hits, including six homers. In 2009 alone he had six walk-off hits, and he hit a walk-off grand slam this May against Milwaukee. This talent combined with the ability to come up big in the clutch is something the Dodgers need if they plan on winning the division and going far in the postseason.

Milwaukee: Corey Hart -- Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun are the meat and potatoes of the Brewers offense. Hart is the cook. He is the first Brewer to have two consecutive 20 home run, 20 steal seasons. He is a more complete player than Fielder and Braun, because of his ability to steal, hit for power (he currently leads the team in homers and runs batted in, and slugging percentage), contact (he is a lifetime .275 hitter), and be an above average fielder (8th among right fielders in range). Fielder and Braun have established themselves as good hitters. However, both are huge liabilities defensively, with a combined 79 errors in 9 seasons of work. That was ultimately the deciding factor.

Minnesota: Joe Mauer -- He is one of the best catchers baseball has seen in a long time. He can hit for contact ridiculously well, and puts up decent power numbers. The leadership he and Justin Morneau bring to the team is invaluable. For the front office, he is a Minnesota guy who just signed a long-term deal with the Twins, so he'll be around for a while.

New York (NL): The bullpen -- Remember the epic collapses that happened in Queens in '07 and '08? A large reason for those choke jobs were because the bullpen blew leads. Over those two years the pen allowed 4.52 runs per game and only converted 64% of save opportunities. This year Mets relievers are allowing only 3.95 runs per game and converting 70% of save chances. In a stunning correlation, the team is ten games over .500 and are nipping at the heels of Atlanta for first place. The bullpen cannot blow leads again.

New York (AL): Derek Jeter -- Alex Rodriguez is the most naturally gifted, but up until last year has been less than amazing in the postseason. Mark Teixeira is struggling mightily this season for a player of his caliber (.229 average, 13 homers, 48 runs batted in), yet the Yankees still have the best record in baseball. No one expected 10 wins from Phil Hughes, a .359 average from Robinson Cano and a career year from 38-year-old Andy Pettitte. The most irreplaceable, for now, is their captain. Jeter is second on the team in hits and total bases, and his leadership is undeniable. You have to have respect for Derek Jeter. The man knows how to win and come up big at the perfect moment. Even now, at 36, he is still one helluva ballplayer that Joe Girardi cannot afford to lose. Also, anyone who can bag Minka Kelly is okay in my book.

Oakland: Ryan Sweeney -- Is tied for the team lead in runs scored with 34, and is a very average hitter. But then again so is everyone on the Athletics. This is a team that is 25th in runs batted in, so they have to have good defense. Enter Sweeney, who has not made an error this season, and has committed only four in his five seasons. His defensive presence alone is key for this struggling team.

Philadelphia: Chase Utley -- Through 15 games Utley hit .339 and the Phils started 10-5. Then his average dipped to .275, and Philly went to 12-10. By May 15, he raised it back up to .315 and the team was at 22-13. Then his huge slump began, and on June 13 it was at .256. The Phillies were back around .500 and quickly falling in the NL East as their usually explosive offense went Arctic cold. The team goes as Utley goes. Howard strikes out too much to be that irreplaceable, plus Utley, Jayson Werth, and Raul Ibanez are all capable of having great power.

Pittsburgh: Andrew McCutchen -- Here's the Pirates' situation. Pitching: 29th in ERA, 27th in strikeouts, 22nd in saves, and 30th (dead last) in WHIP. Hitting: 29th in hits and batting average, 28th in home runs hit, and dead last in runs batted in. In short, the Pirates suck. But not their young, electric centerfielder, who is batting a respectable .299 with 48 runs scored. If he didn't play in Pittsburgh, he would be more well-known. He is one of few bright spots in what is quite possibly the worst run organization in all of sports.

San Diego: Adrian Gonzalez -- Following in the footsteps of Choo and Cabrera, Gonzalez leads the Padres in every major offensive category. He is the heart and soul of the offense that without him is nothing (He has 16 homers, no one else has more than 8. He has 50 RBI, 18 more than the next closest Padre). He's a top-10 fielder at first base. No close second here.

San Francisco: Tim Lincecum -- In a tight NL West, a great Linecum means the Giants are in first place. However, that hasn't been the case this year, and because of it the Giants are in third. He may have an 8-3 record, but his 1.25 WHIP is nothing to brag about. The 2-time Cy Young winner has been very solid, but San Fran needs more than that from him in order to win the division. When he's at his best, there are few who can compete with The Freak.

Seattle: Ichiro Suzuki -- The man had made the All-Star team and won a Gold Glove every year since he entered the majors in 2001. I thought the Mariners would be good. They are not. Ichiro, however, is his usual self, manning right field masterfully and hitting .333. For a team that has a worse offense than the Pirates, he is the only good hitter. And for a team that is pretty terrible in general, he is the only good player.

St. Louis: Albert Pujols -- This was the most obvious choice. In terms of being a five-tool player, perhaps only Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente will be better than The Machine when his career is over. Any bad pitch will be hit to the moon. Any mental mistake will turn into an extra base. Any ball hit to first will be gobbled up. He's a lifetime .333 hitter, and is well on his way to 600+, 700+, and maybe, just maybe, 763 home runs.

Tampa Bay: Evan Longoria -- Leads the team in hits, total bases, doubles, and RBIs, and is second in average. Has a Gold Glove at third base. He'll be an MVP candidate every year for the next decade. Why him over someone else? Carlos Pena has been dreadful this year, with a .201 average, yet the Rays got off to a fast start and are battling for first in the AL East. Ben Zobrist seemed like a surprise pick, considering his WAR (a confusing stat that stands for "Wins Above Replacement" and measures how many wins per season a player is worth compared to an average player) is one of the best in baseball. However, looking at how Longoria called out BJ Upton for not hustling after a fly ball put him over the top. That leadership is what the Rays need, and it's good that someone with Longoria's talent stepped up.

Texas: Colby Lewis -- Easily my most controversial pick, but hear me out. Everyone knows Texas can hit the crap out of the ball. They have every year for the past decade. But their downfall has always been their inability to have an ace pitcher. Lewis could step into that role. At 7-5, he is having a solid season, but his 1.05 WHIP is 4th in the American League. If he can keep this up and become the ace Texas has been looking for, it might be enough to push the Rangers into the playoffs for the first time since 1999.

Toronto: Vernon Wells -- This one was tough, because the Blue Jays get a fairly balanced effort. However, it has to be noted when Wells hits above .280 and has more than 20 homers (it happened in '02, '03, '06, '08, and now this year) the Jays have always finished with a winning record. When he has an off year (67 RBIs in '04, .269 average in '05, .245 in '07, .260 with 15 HRs last year), Toronto is not very good.

Washington: Stephen Strasburg -- Yes, he's only made five starts in his career. Yes, his offense has let him down, which is why he's 2-2 and not 3-1. But in terms of talent, managers and analysts are already calling the rookie phenom one of the best pitchers in the National League. In five starts he's struck out 48 batters, compared to only 7 walks, with an earned run average of 2.27. He's the real deal, and the only pitcher that I considered a no-brainer for this list. And in terms of PR, he's gold to the lowly Nationals. No one cares about the team, so no one goes to the games. But Strasburg is a different story. He is a revenue machine, as people scramble to get tickets and merchandise when #37 is involved. He will be the face of the franchise until his contract expires at the end of 2013, when he goes to the Red Sox or Yankees for a 6-year, $200 million deal.