Greetings From the Near Future

I want YOU to stop pledging your fake allegiances!

Hello there. I am writing this from the future. Not like The Jetsons or Futurama future. I'm writing from July 12, 2010. Yesterday was the final of the World Cup, once again ending sports' largest spectacle until 2014. I'm not here to tell you how amazing the final was, and I won't tell you who won (I don't want to spoil it for you all). I am here merely to forewarn you about the nationalistic feelings stirring about now. I know right now you are all still crushed by Team USA's 2-1 extra time loss to Ghana in the Round of 16 in the World Cup. But don't worry, by now you've moved on to the next big thing, and once again, like usual, no one in America gives a crap about soccer.

I know, right now this may seem unusual to you. After all, you probably already went out and bought your awesome, beauty-pageant looking Landon Donovan jersey after his goal in stoppage time to beat Algeria. And after four games, you might even be able to name more than five players on the roster (well, let's see... Donovan... Jozy Altidore... Tim Howard... Clint Dempsey... Bob Bradley. Or is that the coach? Wait, no, that's Bruce Arenas. Ah, got it. Bob Bradley is the coach, and Shawn Bradley is the awesome seven-foot, six-inch mid-fielder who wins all the headers. That's right, isn't it?) By now you are a soccer buff. You bleed red, white, and blue. Those gentlemen left their hearts out there on the pitch, and for that you appreciate and respect them.

Oh how I laugh.

Sure, you enjoyed watching the games and rooting for your country, but it is by no means a life or death situation. We aren't in France, where FIFA threatened to ban Les Bleus from international competition if the French government intervenes in the mutiny debacle that broke out in the Group Stage. We aren't England, where riots break out during games on a somewhat consistent basis. And we are not Brazil, the only country in the world where every match in every tournament and friendly every year is expected to be a win. Not a draw, and certainly not a loss. A win.

This is no different than hockey and the Olympics. For a couple days we got hockey craze because the US beat Canada, then everyone watched the gold medal game, again versus our friendly neighbors to the north. When Sidney Crosby scored the game-winner in overtime for Canada, Americans were crushed. People actually cared about hockey. Then three days later hockey highlights were back to their usual place, squeezed into the last five minutes of SportsCenter. The World Cup is no different. No one will care about the international friendlies starting in October, or the qualifying for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, or any other tournament the US will participate in.

Sorry if I'm being Mr. Negativity here, but it's the truth. Here's my theory on the situation: The US needs to prove it's strength in everything. It has to be the best. USA soccer historically has been dreadful. Now that the team is halfway decent when it plays to full potential (i.e. not giving up goals within the first five minutes of a game), Americans jump on the bandwagon not because they care about soccer. If they did, every match would be a big deal, no matter how insignificant it is. They board it because it is yet another opportunity to flex the United States' muscles to the world to prove that, yes, America freaking rocks. Can we please stop hearing about how soccer is on the verge of being as big as football, baseball, and basketball in this country? Face it. It's not happening. Other countries have the same problem. People in Europe like American football. But it will never, ever, come close to being as big as soccer. But unlike in the US, they don't have a bunch of phonies who pretend once every couple of years they looooove football, only to go on dismissing it when games end. They are too busy chanting "Ole, ole, ole, ole" at English Premier League matches to do so.

There are a ton of headlines here on this July 12th. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and the other superstar NBA free agents have signed contracts with new teams (or have they???). The 139th Open Championship will be played at St. Andrew's, a course topped in history and beauty by perhaps only Augusta National. Tiger Woods won the last two times it was played at St. Andrews, so of course that's all ESPN is talking about. Baseball has its typical coverage, seeing as no other pro sports are in season. But no one is talking about USA soccer. No one cares anymore. There is a new World Cup champion. Woo-hoo. I love the idea that the country comes together as one for the World Cup. It's a pretty mutual bond between Americans. But get over it, people. You don't care about soccer. Please stop acting like you are die-hard fans. You aren't.

Bzzzzing Excuses

Bzzzzz......

Thus far the World Cup has been pretty entertaining all around. But that doesn't mean it is free from my wrath of issues. Soccer may be the world's game, but I'm sorry. The world's game is full of whiny babies. I'm upset that no one in the media has formally called out the players for their seemingly endless bag of excuses as to why they can't score or play poorly.

Shut up.

We'll start with the ball. Much balley-hooed even before the tournament started, the Adidas Jabulani soccer ball has been criticized by coaches and players alike. The players cannot grip the ball. It is too light so shots sail above the goal easily. The ball travels too quickly, so even touch passes are hard to handle. Goals are nearly impossible to score. Yet, in what is undoubtedly the most ironic thing since the indestructible Titanic sank on its maiden voyage, the goalies -- and everyone in England -- complain that goals are scored too easily (see: Green, Robert) because of the speed of shots. How it's possible that goals are too hard to come by and scored too easily at the same time is beyond me.

Bzzzzzzzzz...

Admittedly, the players' arguments appear to be legitimate. Through 13 games there have been six ties, all of which were either scoreless or 1-1, and six games have seen one or no goals. At this rate it will be the lowest scoring World Cup ever. However, isn't this argument a bit of a scapegoat for the players? These players are the best in the world, and I don't think it is outside their expertise to adjust to a ball. To complain that they can't score because of the ball is like a baseball player complaining they can't field due to bad bounces. I played 4 years of high school baseball with a 6-inch lip and rocks at 3rd base, and I couldn't say anything if the ball took a bad hop. Do away with the excuses, shut up, and deal with it. Watching the Argentina-Nigeria game, I can explain exactly why the score was only 1-0, and the Jabulani had nothing to do with it. The reason "La Albiceleste" (White and Sky Blue) only scored once was because Nigerian keeper Vincent Enyeama played out of his mind and made at least three sick saves. Lionel Messi alone was robbed of at least two scoring opportunities. Nigeria, meanwhile only put one shot on net in eleven tries. And all ten missed by at least 15-feet. You cannot and will not convince me that the ball made a 15-foot difference in the shot's flight path. But that's okay. These players are fragile. Of course it is not their faults they can't find ways to score. So let's blame the ball.

Bzzzzzz...

But it's not just the balls that are causing issues for the players. It's those damn vuvuzelas. In case you haven't heard -- and judging by the amount of noise the vuvuzelas cause, you probably physically can't hear -- vuvuzelas are the talk of the tournament thus far. It is a plastic blowhorn commonly blown during soccer matches by South Africans. But the problem is that the fans are blowing them before the game. And during the national anthems. And during the games. And during time-outs. And after the game. Incessantly all anyone ever hears is the "Bzzzzzz" of the vuvuzela. Reportedly they peak at 127 decibels. A sound becomes harmful to human ears at 125 decibels. The noise that sounds like a swarm of angry bees is so loud that ESPN had to actually mix the sound so the noise won't drown out the announcers and the action on the field. The reaction around the soccer world is a bit extreme.

Players hate the things. The French actually went as far as to say the reason Les Bleus tied Uruguay nil-nil last Friday was because they couldn't hear each other, and therefore could not execute. Again with the excuses. Every team has had to deal with the noise, so to say only one team's performance is being affected is ludicrous. Fans say they miss the chants and songs so popularly performed during games. I hope they realize this is very much a European tradition, and the World Cup is in South Africa, which last time I checked was 5000 miles away from Europe. And the spoiled, precious Americans don't like the noise from their television sets. (At least the South Africans are wildly passionate about a sport, instead of spending $40 to sit there and check your BlackBerry every fifteen seconds. I went to a Red Sox game a few weeks ago and this woman was there with her boyfriend. Over the course of the game she went on FaceBook at least ten times and at one point sent a picture of her lapdog to everyone in her contact list. Good use of Sox tickets. Not to mention we American fans vomit on cops' 9-year-old daughters and get tasered). Wisely, FIFA has said they will not ban the plastic noisemakers because it is a part of South African culture. I completely agree with their decision. Taking away the vuvuzelas, which represent the hollowed out animal horns used by African tribes to communicate with one another, is taking away a part of the African culture. The only outrage with them is that they cost $1 to make, and are sold for $10-12. See America, you have contributed to the World Cup. , Your greedy ways have leaked into Africa. Let the South Africans have their contribution, the vuvuzela.

I've always believed that soccer players were the softest athletes there are. After all, if they get touched they act like they've been shot. Sometimes they don't even have to have been hit to flop. This year's World Cup is only enhancing this belief, because it seems it is everyone and everything else's fault for the lack of scoring and, at times, poor play. Don't get me wrong, this is going to remain a very exciting month for sports. I just wish they would shut up and play the game. Even over the Bzzzzzzzz-ing.