TO vs. the NFL

"Why won't anyone sign me?"

The last kernel of popcorn might have popped for Terrell Eldorado Owens. As big a distraction as he is a playmaker, the free agent wide receiver has been looking for offers for months, with no success. And with voluntary and mandatory organized team activities a thing of the past and the start of training camp looming, it seems as though time is ticking for TO to sign with a team, learn the play book, and have an immediate positive impact. I, for one, cannot believe someone as good as Owens is still available. All of the things that have been labeled as "negative" cannot be blamed on Owens. It is everyone else's fault! Let's take a look-sie and find out just why teams aren't signing the star, and see where he will possibly end up this season. We start with 32 candidates:

Mediocre performance: Ok, sure, his stats have declined rapidly since 2007 (see below).

Year (Team)	Receptions	Yards	Touchdowns
2007 (Dallas)	81	1355	15
2008 (Dallas)	69	1052	10
2009 (Buffalo)	55	829	5

But it most certainly is not Owens's fault! Firstly, Bill Parcells obviously devised a complex, multi-year scheme to drive Owens out of Dallas. After his retirement in 2007, when asked what he learned from the Big Tuna, Owens stated quite frankly, "Nothing really." Infuriated, Parcells then called quarterback Tony Romo and tight end Jason Witten and the following discussion took place:

BP: You hear TO's comments?

TR and JW (in unison): Yes, sir.

BP: How can that fool say he learned nothing from me? ME?! I'm Bill Parcells! I won a Super Bowl with freaking Phil Simms, and then another with Jeff Hostetler. I'm the guy who paid Scott Norwood to miss wide left! I mean, sure, he missed wide right, but it still did the trick. I even taught Bill Belichick how to ruin franchises! I'm pretty much a god, a combination of Vince Lombardi's mind, Johnny Depp's charm, and of course, Bill Parcells' striking good looks. Right fellas?

TR: Of course, sir, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to football.

JW: I agree with him.

BP: Good. Now, I brought you two here to get TO out of Dallas. As you know, he has a bit of an ego. So I was thinking let's boost up his ego in 2007. Tony, you will throw to him a lot. He'll get 12, maybe 1300 yards and he'll think he's the greatest thing to ever happen to Cowboys football. But then this is when my devious plan will begin. In 2008 you will not throw to him as much, and in the process you will spend all of your free time with Jason here so he gets mad. Got it?

TR: Yes, sir. Anything for you. But won't Wade Phillips notice?

BP: Are you stupid? That idiot thinks he's a good coach. Someone that dumb could not possibly catch on to my genius plan.

This plan was put into place, TO only caught ten TDs, and he was released in the off-season. The decline has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he is in his mid-30s and that he dropped 10 passed in '08. To think it was his performance that drove him out of Dallas is absurd. Just absurd. And because Parcells has connections around the league, teams are collectively turning against him. Eliminate: Dallas, Miami, New York Giants and Jets, New England... 27 candidates left.

From there he went to Buffalo. BUFFALO!!! He had Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing to him all season. Why don't you try catching their crap passes for a season and see if you can catch more than five touchdowns and more than 51 balls. Go ahead, I dare you. In fact, when you compare 36-year-old Owens' stats to those of other great receivers at that age, he's among the best!

Player (Team)	Catches	Yards	TDs
Owens	51	829	5
Jerry Rice (San Francisco)	82	1157	9
Tim Brown (Oakland)	81	930	2
Cris Carter (Minnesota)	73	871	6

The nine passes he dropped were not his fault. Maybe if his quarterbacks learned to throw a spiral he would have caught more. General managers have to take that into consideration before signing him. If you want results at receiver, you need a good quarterback. Sheesh. Take out all the teams with bad/inexperienced passers who don't respect TO's obvious greatness. Eliminate: Buffalo, Oakland, San Francisco, Denver, Cleveland, Chicago, Tampa Bay, Arizona, Jacksonville, Tennessee, Kansas City, Carolina, Pittsburgh (at least until Week 5 to 7), Detroit, St. Louis... 12 candidates left.

Then there was an interesting quote brought up by San Diego GM AJ Smith, who said "We're all set with wide receivers." Good point. I mean, after all their star receiver Vincent Jackson is suspended the first three games of the season, and then could sit out after that to get a new contract. And Malcolm Floyd, the number three receiver behind TE Antonio Gates, is pretty good (45 catches, 776 yards, 1 TD). You can't blame Owens because there are teams out there like the Chargers who have such a solid receiving corps. This is a pass-happy league now, so there are plenty of teams who are as set at receiver as San Diego. Plus, TO is a #1 receiver. Someone with his ability cannot possibly settle for a role as #2 on the depth charts. He simply won't fit on a team with an established go-to guy. Eliminate: San Diego, Green Bay, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Minnesota, Atlanta, Houston, Indianapolis... 4 teams left.

That leaves Baltimore, Cincinnati, Washington, and Seattle. Well he definitely cannot play for the Redskins because Donovan McNabb is the quarterback there now. McNabb is the baby who whined about a sports hernia while he was playing. Cry me a river Donovan. Everyone knows sports hernias are the mosquito bites of sports injuries. They're bothersome, and only little kids complain about them. Don't go blaming someone as tough as TO and driving him out of Philly. And for that matter, forget Cincy, too. Carson Palmer is not tough enough, either. He had to leave the 2005 AFC Wild-Card round on the team's first pass play because 300-lb lineman Kimo von Oelhoffen landed on his knee and tore his ACL, MCL, and the meniscus. A real man would have gotten up and kept throwing. How can someone as good as Owens possibly be expected to play with someone so weak? Plus, he watched Chad Ochocinco's new VH1 show "Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch" and thought to himself "Please, that's just a publicity stunt for an aging receiver. Now 'The T.O. Show', that has class." Eliminate: Washington, Cincinnati... 2 teams left.

So now there are two teams, and both seem good enough for TO to deem them worthy of his presence, right? WRONG. Drew Rosenhaus is his agent. He is loud, obnoxious, and teams hate dealing with the man. The NFLPA has investigated him for signing clients who already had other agents, however they found nothing concrete. It still doesn't change the fact that they dislike him. So what could they do? Sabotage, that's what. Kevin Mawae is the president of the Players' Association. Mawae was drafted by the Seahawks in 1994, and he performed well for them. He won't allow a player like TO, who is a "troublemaker" (psh) to "burden" the team. The powers that be won't let him go to Seattle, which leaves only Baltimore. But the problem with the Ravens is that their QB, Joe Flacco, went to Delaware. That's an FCS school, and a mediocre one at that. If you're going to attend an FCS school, at least go somewhere respectable, like per se, Tennessee-Chattanooga. Owens spent four years playing against FCS-quality opponents. He doesn't deserve to have FCS-quality quarterbacks throw to him. Eliminate: Seattle, Baltimore... 0 teams left.

So there you have it. No one is a candidate to sign TO. But just remember, it's not him, it's everyone else. Over the course of this post I figured out just why no one has signed him. No one is worthy, that's why. Terrell Owens is too good for their deceitful or mediocre ways. He needs a real team, one that will put up with his rambunctious ways. One that will encourage this, and at the same time give him plenty of that. Let the bidding begin, and the waiting to continue.