The Least Breaking News Ever

In what can only be considered the least surprising breaking news ever, headlines this week have been dominated by baseball player Mark McGwire’s confession that he took steroids for over a decade. It reminded me of a scene from one of my favorite movies as a kid, Disney's Aladdin. To this day, my favorite line remains, "Oh there's a big surprise! That's incredible - I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die of not surprise!" Of course Iago, Jafar's parrot sidekick, wasn't talking about McGwire and his "shocking" revelation. Still, the fact that Big Mac admitted his sins was less shocking than Britney and K-Fed's divorce. Even less shocking is that two of the years he took steroids were 1998 and 1999, when he hit a then-record 70 and 65 home runs, respectively. Nevertheless, when I first heard the news of his steroid use, that line was the first thing I thought of. This story is right up there with the sun being bright, fire being hot, and "Achy Breaky Heart" being the worst song of all-time. It's obvious, and saying it seems kind of pointless. In fact, in a list of the most obvious revelations in the past year, here are ten storylines more surprising than McGwire being on PEDs:

10) As always, 12 NFL teams made the playoffs. However, in a shocking twist, none of them were named the Detroit Lions. (Get the heck out!)

9) Michael Jordan was among the Basketball Hall of Fame Class of 2009... in his first year on the ballot. (Gasp!)

8) With 5 teams finishing undefeated, there was once again controversy surrounding the BCS. (Cue jaw dropping)

7) Even with stars like Chris Jackson, Siaha Burley and, of course, the amazing Damian Harrell, the Arena Football League filed for bankruptcy and folded. (Temperature in Hell today: 31 degrees)

6) Even when finishing with a mediocre 6-6 record, Notre Dame football finished with 7 or fewer wins for the 9th time since 1994. Here's the kicker: they still get more national media than almost every other team (Ok, so this may not belong on the list. I just really hate ND football and the fact that they get all this attention because they were good in the '40s, '70s, and late '80s. This just in: THEY HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD SINCE 1993. GET OVER IT!)

5) The following players did NOT make any all-decade teams in their respective sports: Ryan Leaf, Darko Milicic, Maurice Clarett, any member of the Washington Nationals (All pilots, watch out for those flying pigs)

4) In the Sugar Bowl against Cincinnati, Florida QB Tim Tebow went 20-23 for 321 yards, threw for 3 touchdowns, delivered twins, ran a triatholon, cured cancer, and, reportedly, walked on water, all before halftime.

3) Even with no prior head coaching experience on any level, then proving himself gutsiest coach in the NFL by faking a field goal twice in the same play, the Washington Redskins fired coach Jim Zorn.

2) The typically subdued and shy Chad Ochocinco was fined by the NFL this season for jokingly bribing a referee with a dollar bill and donning a poncho and sombrero after scoring a touchdown against Detroit. (Basically, because of the severity of surprise here, it's a sign the apocalypse is near)

1) The discovery that some college basketball players are only in school because of the NBA age limit, not because they want an education. (O.M.G.)

Basically, what I'm trying to get at is no one was surprised. ESPNews anchor Mike Yam said Tuesday morning, "He will forever go down as a steroid user." Newsflash Mike! He’s been considered a steroid user ever since his famous 2005 line to Congress, “I’m not here to talk about the past,” which basically implied he juiced up more than the adorable Welch's girl. Had he not been blatantly guilty, he would be in the Hall of Fame. He has the numbers: his 583 home runs is tied for 8th all-time. His one home run for every 10.6 at-bats is a major league record. If the writers thought he was clean, he would have been elected to Cooperstown 3 years ago. Players with those numbers, especially ones who saved the game like McGwire and fellow ‘roider Sammy Sosa did in ’98, don’t get 23% of the required 405 votes needed to get to the Hall unless they were considered guilty.

Basically, the only thing that came out of this was the tearful, cliché, “I’m sorry. I wish I never took steroids. It was a mistake.” Blah, blah, blah. We've heard it all before. Bill Clinton in 1998 about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky: "I deeply regret that." Alex Rodriguez last year after his steroid use was revealed: "You know, I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for that time. I’m sorry to fans." Tiger Woods on his recently uncovered adultery: "I regret those transgressions with all of my heart." Mark, while it may be good to finally come out and admit your wrongdoings, really, we've heard it all before, no one is surprised, and few have sympathy for you.